2/8/07

The Way Things Are And How They Really Should Be But Probably Can't Be, Especially If It Has Such A Long Title

It's strange how a misunderstanding before you come to understand it can mess with your day, and then when you realize it's a misunderstanding, you feel like you've understood something much deeper than before, even though you're aware things aren't really messed up.

In order to prove my point much stronger at the end, I will do this entry in a Joycean Catechism:

What happened at the beginning of the "misunderstanding"?

Alissa, a fellow grad student with Jennifer in anthropology, was at Media Services today and said the something to the effect of the following: "We were at the Anthgrad meeting and I was told we have an "in" at Media Services. I asked who and they said you. They said anything you need, Amish will take care of it..."

I didn't think about it really until later in the afternoon. Unbeknownst to me, however, I realized I'd been upset about the comment all day. In my mind, Alissa's statement, and possibly the feeling of Jennifer's department, is that I am a mere mortal to their God-like graduate status.

I always thought of myself as someone who was not an elitist. However, thinking about the situation, it occurs to me that I am very much someone who considers myself "above" others.

What happened, however, was that I realized this today, and I realized I was being placed "under" others.

And this is something of a problem of late. With the recent years of grad school rejection, I've been having a bit of a complex. "Whadya think yer better than me??" is what I'd like to call it. It's the feeling that others are talking down to you, whether THEY realize it or not.

Which is why I was so surprised by Alissa's comment. I've felt so very included with the Anthropology crowd. They've never made me feel lesser or made me feel like I was somehow inferior to them, and so today, seeing what I thought was going on, I felt hurt. Really hurt. Gutting hurt.

It made realize this too: maybe the problem in perception isn't theirs, but rather MINE. Sure, part of it is that I'm dealing with a divide that doesn't exist in most places: I have a college degree, but I'm dealing with people that either are PhDs or are on their way. In my mind, I've constructed a difference between myself and those people.

But strangely, I've always considered myself on their side. I'm not here for good, I think to myself. I'm here just until I can start school. Right?

Maybe I'm not, and that's what hit me today. My perception is that I'm somehow above others, when in reality, I'm at this level, under others.

Wait a minute, I thought you said there was a "misunderstanding"?

There was. Jennifer called Cerisa who had been at the Anthgrad meeting. Turned out they were talking about some rare films that needed preservation and two people suggested talking to someone who might know more about this: me.

"We have an in at the library," they said.

So what did you learn from all this?

I'm an elitist prick, but on the other hand, there are no repercussions here. No "comeuppance" if you will. Technically, I could have moved passed this without having learned anything, but I do see now that I have spent my life turning up my nose to those I think aren't worthy.

But I think it's slightly different than just being a prick: I think I thumb my nose when I believe people to be stuck. I am openly ambitious, of course, so I wonder about those that are merely satisfied with their station in life. Don't we all want more? Why don't you want more?

Maybe people were like I am but have realized they can't move up. What I meant by a perception issue is that perhaps I should realize that I might be in these kinds of jobs for the rest of my life, and while some may be satisifed with it, I, at present, cannot be.

I need something more. And every attempt so far at "more" has ended in two line rejection letters...

The Joyce? I'm an elitist asshole. Of course I used Catechism. Sheesh!

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