So last year, I joined a group on livejournal called "applyingtograd" which was a place for everyone to bitch and moan about applying to grad school. This year, I'm not doing it. Not only have I not used my LJ account in a while (other than to read stuff by friends or my wife), I don't like what happended to me as a result.
I went crazy, and while there's no guarantee of it not happening again, at least this time I won't be obsessively checking the computer to find out if others have heard, what they've heard, and whether or not calls have been made, etc. Sure, I'll still wonder, but I think after I turn in my application to the English department next week (Monday if possible, as it's Elvis' birthday...I turned the Writer's Workshop one in on my birthday), I'm going to do my best to wash my hands of it for the next few months and attempt a zen state where I'm really relaxed and nothing from that part of the world bothers me. Maybe I could go to a hypnotist or something and they can help me ignore issues with grad school applications.
I don't know that I'll be able to be better this year, but for Jennifer's sake, I'd like to be. To quote a friend, I should "stopping putting [Jennifer] through this", which is also why -
After this round, I'm not applying until we're ready to leave Iowa City. I'm just not. I think I've given it a pretty good chance, and I think it's time to focus on other things. I've spent my entire time at my job waiting to get out of it. Maybe I can work harder, get a promotion or moved to a new area. Something. Maybe it's time to consider not going to grad school at all and maybe just focussing on working and writing. After all, I am getting published without MFAs and PhDs, etc. etc. As Johannes has told me, I should stop dealing with it and just write and worry about and MFA down the road if I'm really dedicated enough to it (though I'm not sure how else to prove being dedicated other than writing and applying).
To be honest, I know I'll get a rejection from the Iowa's writing program for the third time, so it's really the English PhD that I'm interested in. That's the only real toss up, and based on grades and other scores, I'm fucked anyways, so perhaps I can just consider this grad app season over, though I guess there's no way to settle on it until those thin letters come through the mail.
Starting already. Sigh.
PS Good luck, François with your grad school applications! Here's hoping you have better luck than me!