I emailed the director of admissions for the English department, hoping to take his comments and start working on my application for next year. My worry was to hear that it is something I cannot fix.
Well, it's something I don't think I can fix. At least not easily.
I didn't "party" through my undergrad or anything like that. In fact, I probably spent more time sitting on my ass doing little or nothing.
I spent a lot of time writing, a lot of time coming out of the shell I'd been in for the first eighteen years of my life. I had new friends and a new organization which not only took up my time, it took up a lot of my mental energy.
Sure, I had fun too. I drank and all that. I went to the student center for movies, enjoyed all the music Athens could offer. While I realize grad school would be nothing like the previous experience, it is because I enjoy learning that I want to continue with my education and educate others down the road. All together had a very positive college experience.
And now I can regret it every day.
Hearing back from the director of admissions, the problem with my application is my grades. They are terrible. I refuse to post them here, and to be honest, I don't think I've told more than a few people my true GPA at the end of undergrad.
It's terrible. Mental patients are probably doing better. In fact, I bet a friend that was going through a fucking sex change did better than me as an undergrad. Point is, I enjoyed college, and I probably should not have.
Grades used to come easily, and somewhere during college, they started slipping. I'm not sure where as I can't easily pin point it. It's not like a stopped caring, but no matter what I did, it just seems as though I couldn't keep them up, and ultimately, my GPA suffered a lot.
Part of the problem is that I'm so fucking full of myself is that everyone thinks I'm an intelligent person. I'm not, but this has lead me to never asking for help in school. Ever.
When I was a kid, I couldn't even ask my brother or my parents for help because for some reason I just always thought they'd think less of me.
And now they can.
There's no real solution though, it seems. The director suggested I take some classes, but admitted that even this would "be a long-shot".
I have to wonder how strict MFA programs are on grades and if that has been a factor thus far. Is there even a point in applying to grad school at all anymore?
Part of me says I should just learn to be content with my failure and my academically-based social ranking, but I've thus far shot higher than this. Perhaps I should attempt to exist within my academic means.
And as down as I feel right now, I can't imagine giving up or giving in. I refuse to quit simply because of four years wasted. I think I've done well in the two since then even though I haven't been in school. I think I've tried to improve myself and I'm not giving up on that now because of a simple discouraging email.
Any help is more than welcome, though by no means guaranteed to work..